guide to the hijack-dance

Verbal guide to the Hijack Dance</u>

Step 1: chillin’
The most important part of this step is getting into your “groove”. For those of you who don’t know what that is…bummer for you. What your groove is, is something you have to find out for yourself. For men, it could be stepping from one side to another. For women, it could be the subtle shaking of booty. In both cases, it’s vital that you involve your upper body in what you’re doing. Show your adulthood by not just thinking of your nether regions.

Step 2: spot the prey
Don’t be afraid to overdo it on this one. You want to make it very clear to the audience (real, imaginary or otherwise) that you’re seeing some serious booty and you want it. Feel free to get as expressive as you like, as long as you don’t go around yelling: “ooooh, I’d do you, oh yeah!”. This is considered bad form. Moves in this section can vary from pointing excessively, to crude body-language.

Step 3: stalk the prey
This is a very mobile part of the dance. You literally stalk your prey (real, imaginary or otherwise) through the room or wherever it is you are dancing. The important part of this step is that you keep moving. Even if you think the prey is on to you, just pretend to be dancing with somebody else. Even if that somebody is actually a lamppost, a bedpan or god-awful to look at.

Step 4: pounce
This is where you actually make (or try to make) physical contact. Or pretend-contact, in case of imaginary pray. Vital in this step is that you don’t aim to high and jump right over them, or too low and floor them like a rugby-player. A plus would be if you’re not spotted as you pounce, otherwise the prey could easily duck out of the way, ruining your efforts and hard work.
The pounce is THE most important part of the hijack-dance, therefore its proper execution is vital. Some people go for the actual jump, others just sneak up on their pray from behind, then proceed immediately with step five as seen below. Good dance-moves are not important in this step, as long as you keep up your groove, you’re fine. Don’t change personalities mid-dance; it will confuse your audience.

Step 5: dry-hump or improvise
The last step is once again all about the moves. If you don’t have it, your prey will throw things at you, call you names and maybe even physically abuse (read: hurt) you. If you have the right moves, in combination with a strong personality and overwhelming libido, I see no reason why you shouldn’t get laid… I mean, dance, with the prey of your choice. Haha, what.
Dry-humping is most often used to get the prey in a willing mood to… dance, with you. You can also improvise. Just remember: Always include your upper body in what your doing. You are in control, not sexually bereft.

To all you brave hijackers out there: I wish you the best of luck with your conquering.

Signed: Salendola